What Da F?
by ItalianKitty
Summary: Co-written with Kristina>Total Spoof, nothing is what it seems..couples include: Broe, Bralena, Jarlena, Vicami, Philuba, and Joloe...We wrote this a long time ago for fun. Hope you enjoy;)
1. Default Chapter

"What Da F*ck"  
  
By: Kristen and Kristina  
  
Chapter One  
  
[Authors Note: I do not know what happens in prison so this is my fic, and Kristina's so what we say goes]  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own anything. Like you all know, we just dream of having them!  
  
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Today is the day! I can't believe it has finally come. I feel like i've been here for ten years when it has only been about 90 days. As I lay on my bed I hear a whistle coming from the bunk under me. I know right off the bat it's my good Prostitute pal Nicole. Nicole was here when i got here so I kinda looked up to her ,and let her show me the ropes. It's a good thing too or else I would have become someone's b*tch in no time. As i'm thinking about how my life is going to change any minute now i get interrupted by Nicole.  
  
"Hey Chloe! You leavin' today?", Nicole asked. A smile comes to my face because I know i'll miss her even though i haven't been here that long. "Don't worry girl..I won't forget ya", I reply. Then I look across my cell at another good friend of mine, Kristina..well maybe friend is pushing it i should probably say God. See Kristina has been here so long i don't even think she knows what life is like outside here. She definetly make do though; basically whatever you want she will get it for ya. And you better not cross her either because she's got friends in high places. "Hey Brady! It's time to go",says Officer Lopez.  
  
~*~Later~*~  
  
I'm so excited about seeing Brady I think i'm going to explode. I packed my things up so fast i don't even remember what i put in my bag. I open the door to the aparment building, and push the button for the elevator. It's taking way too long so i decide to take the steps. I took them two at a time and now i'm finally here. Apartment 169 or Home. I'm so excited I can barely get the keys in the lock. When it finally clicks I fling open the door and run inside. I run to the bedroom and without even bothering to knock barge in. What I see , however, feels like I have just been hit with a ton of bricks. There in the bed is the love of my life, Brady Black, having sex with another woman. When i can finally get words to come out of my mouth i yell as loud as i can.."OMG Brady! What the F*ck is going on!".... 


	2. WDF 2

"What Da F*ck"  
  
Written by: Kristen and Kristina  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: Use them, own them. What's the difference? We are all having fun. But we don't own them.  
  
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"WHAT DA F*CK!?!? WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH *pause* MARLENA!!?!?!!?!."  
  
Chloe was screaming as Brady got off of Marlena and was trying to find his boxers and put them on. Marlena, however, just put the sheet around her body and looked at Chloe completely in shock.  
  
Brady found his boxers and was walking towards Chloe who was red in the face from anger.  
  
"Baby, what are you-you doing here? I thought that you got out in a week?" He finally reached her and she punched him in the jaw and he fell to the ground.  
  
"You B*tch Brady! Have you EVER thought about good BEHAVIOR!!?! Oh WAIT! You  
  
haven't because you are SLEEPING WITH YOUR FATHER'S WIFE!!." She stomps over to the bed looking completely horrified and grabs the sheets from Marlena.  
  
"OMG Brady!! Don't tell me these are my new sheets!! What the hell were you thinking!"  
  
Marlena, who was sitting by terrified, becoming increasingly confused asked "Um..Brady baby..I think we should finish this some other time"  
  
Chloe looked up from a bleeding brady to a shocked marlena with anger clear in her eyes. "Yes I would say so, you PSYCHOTHERAPIST HO!"  
  
Chloe then looks down at Brady who is trying to sit up but she forces him down by slamming her foot on his throat "And you, you traitorous, deceitful, good-looking, Greek-god bastard, doing sleeping  
  
with that thing!?!." Brady's only reply is choking. She sighs and lets her foot off of him.  
  
"Answer me!"  
  
But before Brady got another word out, a scream of ecstasy came from the bathroom.  
  
Chloe raised a questioning eyebrow at Brady and then stomped over to the bathroom door.She cautiously put an ear to the door.  
  
"Oh Victor!! Yes!!",  
  
Completely baffled, Chloe storms in to find Sami Brady and Victor Kiriakis getting it on, on the bathroom floor.  
  
Feeling eyes on them Sami and Victor stop and turn to see a completely, baffled, shocked and frighteningly angry Chloe Brady.  
  
Chloe at this point has almost had enough but then feels Brady coming up against her  
  
Brady peeks over Chloe to find the same scene she just witnessed only seconds before and goes wide-eyed and screams..  
  
"OMG!! I just waxed that floor this morning!"  
  
  
  
Author's Note: MUHAHHAAHHAH! Guess what? Chicken Butt! Guess why? Chicken  
  
Thigh!!! BEANS!!!!! 


	3. WDF 3

"What Da F*ck?"  
  
By: Kristen and Kristina  
  
Chapter 3  
  
We Disclaim! We don't own em but we like messin with em!  
  
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"OMG!! I just waxed that floor this morning!"  
  
Sami rolled her eyes at Brady as she crawled off Victor. "Come on Victor we can finish this at  
  
my house" Sami said bending over to look at Victor, but Victor didn't make any motion to get  
  
up. Chloe eyed Victor warily.  
  
"Um..Victor you CAN get out of my bathroom now!", Chloe shouted.  
  
Then all the sudden realization hit Chloe like a ton of bricks. "Omg this is the second ton of  
  
bricks that has hit me today..someone get me a bottle of Scotch before I really lose it", Chloe  
  
thought.  
  
"Sami Omg you killed Victor!", Chloe exclaimed  
  
"Holy Sh*t you b*tch!", cried Brady. Sami then nudged Victor just to make sure these  
  
accusations we true. When he didn't respond she just huffed and sighed, "Well how was I  
  
suppose to know the old fart has high blood pressure!"  
  
All the sudden Chloe sees something moving out of the corner of her eye. She turns around but  
  
Brady is blocking her view, so she shoves him out of the way and sees Marlena's a*s sticking out  
  
form under the bed.  
  
"Ahem!..Excuse me?! Didn't I tell u to leave?!"  
  
Marlena brought her head out from under the bed and stood up. She smoothed her outfit over  
  
and replied, "I was looking for my earring"  
  
Chloe eyes almost popped out of her head. "earring?! We have an old dead man in the bathroom  
  
and your looking for your earring?!"  
  
Marlena looked confused then noticed the crowd in the bathroom. She moved past Chloe hitting  
  
her shoulder on the way. When she got there she saw Victor on the floor, wide-eyed, and dead.  
  
She puts her hand on her heart. "Oh my. Who killed him?" she replies looking around the room.  
  
"His libido" is the mumbled reply by Brady which receives laughs from Sami and Chloe.  
  
"Stop it!.", Marlena cried and was met with silence. "OK, we need to get leather gloves, rope, make fake  
  
license plates, and an alibi. For each of us." She looks around the room to find confused eyes staring into her. "What? I DO have a  
  
life outside of therapy you know.  
  
Chloe hears this and puts her hands up in front of her. "No, no, no. HELL NO! Listen here, therapist  
  
ho, if you just didn't forget your Alzheimer's for a SECOND! you would know that I just got out  
  
of prison. PRISON! I am the victim here. I ain't going back. I am on probation! If I go back  
  
there, I could go to block F, and then I will be in some deep sh*t. And be someone's b*tch!"  
  
Brady asks, "Why are you the victim?"  
  
Chloe looks at him really good. "You are soo lucky that you are my soulmate and have a body like a  
  
god because those blonde roots are sinking into your brain. First of all, I am the victim by you  
  
doing the nasty rhino sex with your stepmother! Second, I find Mr. Roger's grandfather on the  
  
floor of our bathroom with the "STD girl!" And third, but MOST important, you did the nasty  
  
ON MY NEW SHEETS!"  
  
Brady tries to change the subject. "Can we please start this. Look...Victor's old, wrinkly, naked  
  
dead body is making me sterile."  
  
"You're just lucky that I am not going to make you sterile", Chloe replies as she points a finger  
  
in his chest.  
  
While all this was going on, Sami has dressed and is looking through her purse and pulls out  
  
several objects. "OK, here is the rope, masks, and leather gloves. But the rope is thin but strong. So it  
  
should hold.".another long silence until she finally replies "What?"  
  
Chloe says, "You know, if it was another girl, I would be surprised, but for some reason, I am  
  
not surprised with you."  
  
Brady is trying to look in her purse from his point of view behind Chloe but can't see what he is  
  
looking for. "Hey Sami? Do you have any handcuffs in there?" Which receives a slap from  
  
Chloe. 


	4. WDF 4

"What Da F*ck!"  
  
By: Kristen and Kristina  
  
Chapter 4  
  
We disclaim! We use them but we don't own em!  
  
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"OK Listen up people", shouted Marlena. "Sami get a trash bag, Chloe grab"-- --before she could  
  
finish she was interrupted by Chloe "Whoa whoa whoa.who died and made u boss?" Marlena  
  
tilted her head to the side and smiled sweetly "Victor did my dear and if you don't want to go to  
  
Jail then I suggest you do as I say"  
  
" Chloe you can't go to Jail! If you leave then that only leaves Sami left as the only prostitute in  
  
tow. And let's face it, you give her a shiny nickel and an ice cream cone, she will do anything  
  
you want!", Brady shouted to Chloe.  
  
"Excuse me!?!?.. are you calling me easy?!, Sami cried as she marched over to Brady.  
  
"Well Victor sure wasn't offering you much and you still managed to kill him! D*mn you were  
  
soo bad you made the poor guy have a heart attack!" ,cried Brady immediately busting out in fits  
  
of laughter.  
  
Sami's eyes started burning a hole into him and her fists clenched together. Then she went  
  
wide eyed and smiled sweetly. She picked up her knee, and slammed it right into Brady's  
  
beloved crowned jewels.  
  
Brady's laughter completely vanished and his face turned crimson. He immediately hunched  
  
over and croaked out ".Ow.." before falling over. Chloe and Marlena Gasped and hurried over  
  
to Brady.  
  
"Omg Brady are u ok?!" cried Marlena crouching down on the floor beside Brady.  
  
"What the f*ck do u think you are doing?! Get away from him! And you!", Chloe seethed  
  
standing up and glaring blue fury at Sami. "You B*tch what are you thinking! First you kill  
  
Victor now you go and put Brady out for at least a week! And I just got out jail, and I need some!  
  
Oh you are gonna pay for this!"  
  
Chloe then pushed Sami so hard she fell back onto the ground. Then Chloe jumped on Sami and  
  
started wailing on her. Marlena ran to the living room. When came back she found Chloe still  
  
over powering Sami, but then it looked like Sami was about to pounce, so she ran over to Chloe  
  
and pushed her off of Sami.  
  
When Sami tried to sit up Marlena whacked her right in the face with a chair. Sami completely  
  
blacked out and fell back to the ground. Marlena then got up from the floor, and smoothed her  
  
outfit down and turned to see Chloe and Brady staring at her and huffed, "Well, that will teach  
  
that psycho a lesson or two. Now come on. Let's get rid of this freak." As Chloe started to pull  
  
Sami away by her hands, Marlena stopped her. "No, Chloe. The other freak." Chloe looks at her  
  
for a second and begins to pick up a confused Brady on his feet. "No, Chloe. Victor!"  
  
"Don't yell at me. You were the one that started talking about freaks and you weren't specific.  
  
God! Come on, one-nut," Chloe says as she grabs Brady's hand and together they begin to pick  
  
up Victor.  
  
"Wait!" shouted Brady.  
  
"What!?"  
  
"I am not touching a dead, naked man! I draw the line there," Brady shakes his head.  
  
Marlena walks up to him in mercenary mode and grabs his neck and starts to squeeze. "You will  
  
pick him up and stuff him in the trunk of the car or I will do exactly what Chloe said she would  
  
do. Make. You. Sterile."  
  
Brady squeaks out, "Yes, ma'am." she let's go and he runs over to victor and grabs his legs.  
  
"Come on, let's go!"  
  
"Shouldn't you get dressed first. I mean, not that I mind, but walking around carrying a dead,  
  
naked body in boxers isn't a very good idea, dumbas#!!!" Chloe says.  
  
Brady runs off to the bedroom and changes into black pants and black shirt. While he was gone,  
  
Chloe and Marlena somehow managed to change Victor back into his suit.  
  
Marlena, who is still in mercenary mode, "This place has a service elevator. We will take that. I  
  
will go down first and make sure that it is clear. Then we will put the body in Brady's Jeep.  
  
We'll put him in the back so it makes it look like he is alive. Then when we find a nice place, we  
  
will put him there. Got it?!?!!"  
  
Chloe says with wonderful sarcasm, "Yes, Mommy."  
  
As Brady and Chloe are trying to get him to the door which is downstairs, they are have  
  
some....trouble.  
  
"OK, on three, one-nut. One, two-  
  
"Wait. On three or after three."  
  
Chloe just stares at him and puts a hand on her forehead and sighs. "After three. One, two,  
  
three."  
  
As they barely get him off the ground and are slowly getting him to the stairs, Brady let's go and  
  
drops both of his legs. "I can't do it. Who knew an old, fat man could weigh so much?"  
  
"I thought you were strong," replies Chloe.  
  
"That was until Sami decided to be doctor and practically broke my equipment." Brady said.  
  
"Just come on. I don't want the therapy ho on my ass. She seems scary."  
  
Brady finally decided to help and they both got the dead man to the stairs.  
  
Chloe wipes her hands on her pants. "How are we gonna do this part?" she asks her one-nut  
  
partner.  
  
Brady scoffs at her and shrugs his shoulders. "Easy." He gently moves Chloe aside and places  
  
Victor on his stomach and part of his body leaning towards the stairs. Brady gets on his knees  
  
and rolls Victor down the first step and because of gravity and fat things Victor's dead body fell  
  
the rest of the way and landed on his stomach at the bottom. "See."  
  
Chloe rolls her eyes and shakes her head and moves downstairs and past victor's body and heads toward where the liquor is. "I need a drink."  
  
She takes a long drink of vodka and smiles. "They don't make it this good in prison. But it did the job. Thank God for  
  
smugglers."  
  
(Doorbell rings)  
  
Chloe makes a mocking Marlena voice, "Coming!"  
  
Marlena hears this from upstairs and yells down, "I would have been if you came home 15 MINUTES LATER!!!"  
  
Chloe laughs her way to the door and the smile is wiped away from her face and placed with shock. "Sup?"  
  
END OF CHAPTER 4!! MUHAHAHAHA 


	5. WDF 5

What Da F*ck  
  
Chapter: 5  
  
By: Kristen and Kristina  
  
Disclaimer: We just use em', ride em', hurt em', and send them back!!!!  
  
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Chloe stared wide-eyed at none other that John Black.  
  
"Hey Chloe wasssuup!.how's my favorite prostitute these days?"  
  
Chloe smiled and replied seductively "Oh wouldn't you like to know"  
  
John raised an interested eyebrow  
  
Of course Brady saw this from is place by the stairs and quickly broke them  
  
out of there private conversation. "Umm Chloe dear..I believe we have a job  
  
to do...Victor is starting to smell"  
  
"Yeah yeah.just when I'm trying to get some business done you have to go and  
  
remind me about the wrinkly ol' pear on the floor" Chloe says as she walks  
  
over to Brady and Victor.  
  
John follows Chloe over to Brady and notices Victor lying on the bottom of  
  
the stairs dead.  
  
"Holy sh*t when did bob dole get here!?" Chloe and Brady rolled there eyes  
  
and crouched down to get Victor. "It's Victor..and yes he is dead and no I  
  
didn't kill him..Sami did" Chloe replied while grabbing a hold of Victors  
  
feet. "Sami?!..How did she manage to do that?" asked John  
  
"Oh her and Victor were doing it on the bathroom floor upstairs and he had a  
  
heart attack" Brady replied grabbing a hold of Victors arms. John almost  
  
fell on the floor he started laughing so hard. "Omg are u kidding me.?!"  
  
"No they aren't" Marlena replied coming down the stairs. John looked up to  
  
see Marlena and raised another questioning eyebrow at her. Marlena noticed  
  
John's questioning eyes and replied "Don't look at me like that John Black I  
  
know what I'm doing..I have this all under control"  
  
John still kept his questioning stare "Uh huh riight..well then where is  
  
the sex-killing pariah now?"  
  
"You'll eat your words John Black before I turn u into one-nut man like my  
  
good pal Brady here" Sami replied coming down the stairs touching Brady on  
  
the shoulder and smiling sweetly at John.  
  
"Ah so nice of you Sami to join us..did u have a nice nap?" Marlena asked  
  
smiling smugly. "As a matter of fact I did..and don't worry I'm not done  
  
with you yet" Sami replied. "Wait a minute! Did I miss something here?  
  
One-nut man?" John asked. Immediately Brady's face turn a couple shades of  
  
red.  
  
"You know what! If I hear that one more time..i'm gonna!" "You're gonna  
  
what?" Sami said poising her knee up slightly. Brady gulped then replied  
  
"Nevermind" Chloe smirked but then reminded everyone that they still had a  
  
dead body to take care. "All right enough bashing my man here! We still have  
  
Victor to tend to"  
  
(Ding Dong)  
  
Everyone's faces went pale and they turned to the door.  
  
"Gregrelli's Pizza!" came a voice on the other end of the door.  
  
Everyone went wide-eyed and turned back to Sami. Sami looked at all the  
  
faces around her some confused, shocked and others angry. "what?!" she asked  
  
innocently "I thought everyone might get hungry later"  
  
"Listen you tunnel with no exit, we have a dead body on the floor BECAUSE of your horny ass  
  
and then you order a PIZZA," Chloe tells Sami but then she calms done. "What kind of pizza did  
  
you get?"  
  
"Plain. Nothing on it."  
  
"BITCH! Plain?! Who the hell orders just plain? And no pepperoni? Stupid! I hope you know  
  
that I ain't paying for it," Chloe says walking off.  
  
As Sami goes to get the pizza, Brady grabs a blanket from the sofa and lays it on Victor and  
  
suddenly jumps on the blanket making it looks like he is relaxing on the blanket on the floor.  
  
"Hey. That will be $12.50," says teenage looking pizza-dude.  
  
"OK, but hold on. I have a coupon for $2.00 discount.," Sami replies while looking in her purse.  
  
Chloe enters the room while hearing what Sami said. Chloe flops on the couch while looking at  
  
Sami and drinking a CORONA!! "Oh, how did you get that Sami. Was it a prize for how many  
  
men you go down on a week? Did you pass the record and get $2.00 off on a pizza?" She  
  
scratches her chin. "Well, where does that put you now. I thought you were a $2.00 ho, but  
  
nowww....the coupon makes you what? A free ho?"  
  
Sami gives the boy a coupon and $10.50. "Here you go."  
  
Being a teenage boy with a stupid job says, "What? No tip?"  
  
Sami does her flirting thing again! "Oh? You want a tip? Here." With that she grabs his face and  
  
gives me longggg kiss.  
  
Chloe smiles and laughs at the boy's dazed face. "Hey kid. It may seem like a good tip, but she  
  
just gave you a whole lot of medical bills with the STD'S she just gave your ass."  
  
Sami waves bye bye and slams the door in his face. "I have been clean of those for 3 months  
  
already."  
  
"Oh really? And when was the last time you checked?"  
  
Mumbled by Sami. "Three months ago."  
  
John, Marlena, and Chloe laugh and says in unison. "Dumbass!!"  
  
End of Chapter 5.  
  
Author's Note: I hope you understand the "tunnel with no exit." The jokes I use for Sami will  
  
refer to sex, mostly. So if you didn't get the joke, that clue should have helped. Don't worry, I  
  
have some more of them. 


End file.
